I QUIT!!!!

I had not updated this since 2007 but in case anyone had read this. I quit at the end of 2007. I quit cold turkey and it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!! So, if I can do it..YOU CAN DO IT! :)))))))))))))

Day 3

You are never going to believe this, but I smoked again today! Yeah, it was expected. I am not going to make excuses but it was a very stressful day, emotionally and physically. I felt kind of bad, that I would slip two days in a row, but I then remembered that it doesn't matter. I used to smoke 20 cigarettes a day, if I smoke 1 whole cigarette in one day then that is not a big deal! I still have quit smoking 19 cigarettes. No matter who you are that is an accomplishment. So let me explain what happened!

I woke up this morning and was late for work, when I got to work I was feening so bad that I grabbed some coffee. Bad Idea. The coffee only made me want one more. I asked my roommate if I can have a cigarette and he gave me one. I went outside and lit it, and didn't even inhale. I wanted to feel it on my mouth. I wanted to feel the smoke and work up to the actual inhale. Once i inhaled I felt dizzy, and then I noticed how nasty the cigarette tastes. If they tasted like this every time we inhaled nobody would smoke. Somehow your tongue miraculously changes the taste of a cigarette. Now, that is amazing. How the hell does something that tastes like an ashtray turn into the best tasting treat? Well, I smoked it about half way or four drags. It wasn't worth it, it tasted bad, it made me dizzy and then minutes after I felt anxious. You would think this would make it easier to quit, but it didn't.

I didn't want to put it down. Even though it was out, I was debating whether or not I should throw it or keep it for later. I decided to just toss it. One thing that I alays agreed with was that when you quit something you should never have it laying around. For instance if you and your ex go to the same bar on the same night, it would be a good idea for you to avoid it until you can safely face the addiction with no recourse. Yeah, so, tossing it was the only logical thing to do.

My day continues and for some silly reason I did not chew any Nicorette. Is it bad that I do not want to even use a nicotine replacement therapy? I know that I need it, but we live lies everyday. About 8 pm my boss is about to leave and I ask him for a cigarette. He hesitates, as though by him giving it to me he will be the cause of a major relapse. Again, I did not smoke the entire thing. I would say that between those 2 cigarettes I smoked 3/4 of one. I had no desire to smoke to an entire cigarette.

So, it is 3 am right now and I am really wanting a cigarette. Luckily I do not have any so the temptation is not there. Tomorrow is Thursday and it is my last day of work before my weekend begins. I worry about what I am going to do on my days off. It is so easy to run to the store and buy cigarettes. I will need to find some things to keep me busy. That is all I can do. This quitting smoking this is hard, but I have faith. I am sure I can do it. And, even if I don't quit completely I already have succeeded on cutting down. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to smoking 20 cigarettes a day. I just don't think it is at all possible. On to Day 4. Did I mention I have only chewed 6 pieces of Nicorette. The directions say to have one an hr. HA, they are nuts. I can handle one every 4 hours. That will work for me. :)

Day 2

I am writing about Day 2 a day late, but you know what? It doesn't matter. So, Day two was a BITCH. Excuse my language, but it really was. I thought day one was supposed to be the hardest day and then it would only get easier and easier as time goes on. WRONG! Day two was worse then day one and it was so bad I gave in and smoked a little bit of a cigarette. No, It wasn't the entire one, just a few drags. Ok, So I am going about this realistically. I probably will slip here and there. I am going to accept it. I am going to smoke if I really want to and I am not going to fail because I do. As long as I get right back on to quitting smoking then I don't see a problem with is. This may not be the ideal way to quit..but it is MY way and so far its working pretty well.

When I stopped seeing a guy I would slip once and a while and email or call them..but they are now completely out of my life. Sure, some memories might always be there but in all reality those urges are done with and now they are just memories. The more I think about how this quitting smoking thing is like breaking up with a guy the more it makes sense.

Sometimes as people we tend to want things we can't have. Like, thinking about smoking a cigarette when we are not supposed to will only make us want one more. Yes, I completely agree. My friend said something that has stuck with me. He said that everything is easy but it is when we think about it that makes it hard. Yes, that is exactly what is wrong..we think. By thinking it rules how much we fear something. I mean, if I didn't think about wanting a butt I probably wouldn't want one. This makes sense...I wonder if there is a way to stop thinking. Hmmm..No, it's not possible..but, I did find something that helped.

Remember when you would cry about how much someone hurt you and once you were done crying you felt so much better. Well, the reason this happened was because in some ways those tears were washing away the sadness. Whenever we cry it's the first step to getting over something. It is when we hold it in that it grabs us and doesn't let us move on. Well, I used this same method with smoking. Instead of not thinking about it and not talking about it..I talked about it and thought about it as much as possible. Yeah, this seems nuts, but hell, if your going to think about it on your own might as well share it with others. This is why I am writing this blog..to think out loud. Not to mention it offers me another reason why this time it is for real. Can you imagine if I didn't quit and then looked back at all of this stuff I have written? Oh my that would be probably the worst sense of failure I would ever feel.

So, I was stressed and I smoked a little. Big Whoop. It didn't stray me off my path, it only made me want to quit that much more. Are we really quitting anyways? Or is it that we just have to learn how to live without something? Might be the same, but I think quitting is permanent, when the latter is a little more realistic. Ok, so Day 2 is done..now on to Day 3!

Day 1 Quitting

Last night was New Years Eve and I unlike all the other smokers at 11:50 pm was NOT having my "last cigarette". No Sir, I was smoking as though I still had another 12 hours to go. So, why did I choose to quit at 1pm on January 1, 2007? Well, because I would be dead sober and would not be pressured by the idea of already breaking my resolution 1 hr into the new year. The decision was simple, but actually implementing it was almost impossible. Rewind back to January 1, 2007 12:59 pm. I am driving to work and smoking what is MY "last cigarette". Ok, ok I know that most likely I will have a puff or two someday, but I will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER smoke a whole cigarette ever again. Wow, even typing that makes me skeptical. Mmm,I can still taste that cigarette in my mouth. My tongue is feeling a little dry and I am thirsty all the time. I wonder if this is a side effect. I swear, I have never drank so many fluids as I have in the last 12 hours. I recall sitting at my desk at work and drinking my coffee as though I was smoking a cigarette. I would take a sip of coffee, put the cup down then repeat it. I think I finished off that cup in about 1 minute. No matter what way you look at it I was officially feening a cigarette. Yup, It was creeping up on me and I was even tempted to drive to the store and pick up a pack just to smoke it. Hell, maybe even just light it on fire so I can smell some tobacco burning. Lucky for me I came up with some things to help me get rid of these Nic fits.

The plan was set December 1, 2006. I received a free package of Nicorette gum. This to me being a sign from a higher power that this time it COULD work and this time I COULD actually quit for good. I had never quit before by my own will. It was always for someone or for medical reasons. One time I got my tonsils out and was in bed for 3 weeks. Not one cigarette, but the minute I got out of bed, I lit up and was a smoker once again. Yes, 3 weeks of no nic fits, no cravings and the minute I could walk I was addicted again. It's truly amazing. This time it was because I want to. I am sick of something controlling me, I am sick of freezing because I have to smoke outside, I am sick of freaking out if I only have one cigarette left and most of all I am sick of worrying about having mouth, breast, lip, arm, neck, or skin cancer. This is for me, and no one else. Yeah, I am worried I might fail, but I have a feeling that this time its for real. I no longer want to be ruled by the cigarette.

When you smoke you habitually associate things with smoking. Here are some examples:

1) Smoking as soon as I wake up
2) Smoking after I eat
3) Smoking after love making
4) Smoking while I drink
5) Smoking while driving
6) Smoking on a lunch break
7) Smoking while sitting in traffic
8) Smoking while bored at home on the computer
9)Smoking while talking on the phone to someone who is upsetting you
10) Smoking to de-stress
11) The final and probably the hardest one…smoking because your around other smokers.

If we look at those things we can see that they not only remind us of smoking but they remind us of our LIVES. Shit, without them the day would be empty and meaningless. I mean, I do every single one of those things everyday. Well, maybe not one thing, but you get the point. How the hell am I going to quit if everything I do reminds me of smoking? Well, I came up with a great plan. Not just the nicorette for those moments of weaknesses, but I am going to treat cigarettes like an ex boyfriend. One, that treated you like gold, then lied to you, then walked all over your heart and stepped on it, then stabbed it, then ate it for breakfast and smiled with every bite. Yup, Smoking is officially my enemy. You know what they say… the first month is always the hardest.

Well, today was hard, and there were moments in which I wanted to kill someone. I didn’t cry like someone had broken my heart, but I would definitely say I am in mourning. I have suffered a major loss. One by choice but still a loss.

You know when you break up with someone and you debate whether or not to call them? Or when you go over what happened repeatedly to try and see some way that you can win them back? Or when you look at your phone every 10 seconds to see if they called? There are a lot of things we do when we suffer a loss and when you try to break an addiction you go through the same actions. However the difference between an addiction and a break up is YOU have complete control. The drug will ALWAYS be there. To be honest, I think it might be harder to quit an addiction. See, when you break up with someone and they walk away, you have no choice but to get over it. It’s not like they will miraculously be there for you the minute you want them.

Im in Day 1 and it feels like the longest day ever. It is 2:19 am and I am sitting here arguing with myself. I have read a million things about smoking and quitting and I have come to realize that most of that stuff is going to help me, but it is not event specific. What kind of guidance is that? Here are some tips I read on the Committers website about helping out general nic fits:

a)To manage strong urges to smoke while driving:
Keep Nicorette® in the car to help you through the urge.
Roll down the windows and take several deep breaths of fresh air, reminding yourself why you quit smoking,
Sing along to songs on the radio

b)Satisfy oral cravings with chewing gum and toothpicks any other time

c)Deep breathing for those stressful situations

Hmmm..I don’t see anything here about after you eat or after ya know, or right when you wake up. Did they forget it or is it that some person who has never even smoked a cigarette with a psychology degree wrote these tips? Well, here are my tips:

When that urge comes think about all the times you have suffered a loss. Think of the time someone you loved walked out of your life. Think of how hard it was to not contact them or miss them. Then say, if I can get over that I can get over quitting.

When your drinking have a friend stop you from smoking the same way they would If you were going to drunk dial an ex. Have them slap you if need be. I mean, it’s for the better.

After you eat chew some gum or do something immediately. Organize your shoe closet, or surf the net, call someone to talk, or you could do something high impact like exercise.

Before you go to bed it is probably the toughest, but I suggest staying up to the point of passing out that way you don’t think about it.

When you wake up, take a deep breath and think of how great your throat feels and how nice it is going to be to brush your teeth and not have to yack up a lung right after. Also, think of how great your breath will be all day long.

While your driving blast the radio and sing along to every song on the radio…for some reason when we talk we don’t crave a cigarette. Trying to learn the lyrics will keep your mind off the butts as well.

This one is the toughest, but when you get stressed out I want you to go to your car wherever you are and sit in the seat and scream as loud as you can…window up please. Once you do that I want you to then go back to the stressful situation with a huge smile and ignore it until you have relaxed. If that does not work then blow off steam at the gym or vent to a friend on the phone.

When you bored, get off your lazy ass and spend some of that energy you have built up by quitting by going to the gym, or cleaning your house, or cooking a gourmet meal. Do something fun and exciting. When you are bored you should treat yourself in order to avoid the cigarette.

When someone else is smoking you should stay far away from the cigarette itself, about 5 feet should be ok. If you can’t then you can look at the weird face they make when they inhale and laugh internally. This one is probably the hardest by far and whatever you do try not to become the ex smoker who now can’t stand being around smokers because it might be too hard to resist. Don’t be a hater.

So these tips are a little more realistic and I think with the right attitude, and will power I will quit. I just hope that my tips work on me. Hell, right now I could really use one, but I think I’m going to just let it go. Kinda like that guy who said he would call and never did. I had no control over that and I am going to pretend I have none over this. Can’t wait for Day 2.