Day 3

You are never going to believe this, but I smoked again today! Yeah, it was expected. I am not going to make excuses but it was a very stressful day, emotionally and physically. I felt kind of bad, that I would slip two days in a row, but I then remembered that it doesn't matter. I used to smoke 20 cigarettes a day, if I smoke 1 whole cigarette in one day then that is not a big deal! I still have quit smoking 19 cigarettes. No matter who you are that is an accomplishment. So let me explain what happened!

I woke up this morning and was late for work, when I got to work I was feening so bad that I grabbed some coffee. Bad Idea. The coffee only made me want one more. I asked my roommate if I can have a cigarette and he gave me one. I went outside and lit it, and didn't even inhale. I wanted to feel it on my mouth. I wanted to feel the smoke and work up to the actual inhale. Once i inhaled I felt dizzy, and then I noticed how nasty the cigarette tastes. If they tasted like this every time we inhaled nobody would smoke. Somehow your tongue miraculously changes the taste of a cigarette. Now, that is amazing. How the hell does something that tastes like an ashtray turn into the best tasting treat? Well, I smoked it about half way or four drags. It wasn't worth it, it tasted bad, it made me dizzy and then minutes after I felt anxious. You would think this would make it easier to quit, but it didn't.

I didn't want to put it down. Even though it was out, I was debating whether or not I should throw it or keep it for later. I decided to just toss it. One thing that I alays agreed with was that when you quit something you should never have it laying around. For instance if you and your ex go to the same bar on the same night, it would be a good idea for you to avoid it until you can safely face the addiction with no recourse. Yeah, so, tossing it was the only logical thing to do.

My day continues and for some silly reason I did not chew any Nicorette. Is it bad that I do not want to even use a nicotine replacement therapy? I know that I need it, but we live lies everyday. About 8 pm my boss is about to leave and I ask him for a cigarette. He hesitates, as though by him giving it to me he will be the cause of a major relapse. Again, I did not smoke the entire thing. I would say that between those 2 cigarettes I smoked 3/4 of one. I had no desire to smoke to an entire cigarette.

So, it is 3 am right now and I am really wanting a cigarette. Luckily I do not have any so the temptation is not there. Tomorrow is Thursday and it is my last day of work before my weekend begins. I worry about what I am going to do on my days off. It is so easy to run to the store and buy cigarettes. I will need to find some things to keep me busy. That is all I can do. This quitting smoking this is hard, but I have faith. I am sure I can do it. And, even if I don't quit completely I already have succeeded on cutting down. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to smoking 20 cigarettes a day. I just don't think it is at all possible. On to Day 4. Did I mention I have only chewed 6 pieces of Nicorette. The directions say to have one an hr. HA, they are nuts. I can handle one every 4 hours. That will work for me. :)